Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Confession Letter to Friends.. I Am an Addict

Hi my friend,

This is a difficult letter to write but I have decided to come clean.

After a great deal of anguish and soul searching, I have accepted that the only way to overcome this problem is to admit to myself and others that the problem exists..

I think I have an addiction and I am asking for your help.... It's like a monkey on your back alright-- that stalking compulsion that demands that you get the next fix, and soon. I'll admit it, I am addicted. But I can't help myself, really I can't. I've tried to kick the habit but haven't had any luck. I quit smoking several years ago. They say smoking cessation is the hardest; don't you believe it. That was a snap compared to this urge, this gotta-have-it-now compulsion. It grabs you hard and doesn't let go. Oh and I'll have to admit I do get satisfaction from even just the licking; I mean, how can you resist? I am hopelessly hooked. I've been known to call friends all hours of the day and night if I need to feel that huge whole-body rush, the tingle, the delirious stupor from having even just one because I don't have one right now.

It's embarrassing to have to beg because the gnawing need is so great. Sometimes I just have to get my hands on one! I will do just about anything to support my habit. I've even come close to stealing one especially if they are little ones-- small enough to stuff into your bag and carry out unnoticed.

Unless you have been there like me, you don't understand the exquisite pain of not being able to get that urge under control, of not being able to give it up. I'm telling you, it controls your life. I've tried kicking the habit cold-turkey but the withdrawal symptoms are so severe that I really don't think it can be done alone.

I think I need help and I when I was finally able to admit I was hooked, there was nowhere to go for treatment. They have lots of support groups for people who are addicted or are somehow affected by addiction. There are groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Food-aholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Al-A-Teen, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and so many more........ but there is nothing out there for addicts like me. There is nowhere to turn, no one who understands, nowhere to go for help.

This is really hard to admit but I've been known to buy special ice creams or treats to bribe people into letting me get near what I crave so I can sneak even a little bit of that feeling of ecstasy. I admit I'm shameless when it comes to getting what I need. I will even borrow them from other people on the pretense of being charitable and caring for them out of kindness and generosity but it is a con. My real agenda is to get my hands on them in order to get a little lick and satisfy those urges.

I was beginning to think there is no help for me, that I am doomed to live this way the rest of my life.... lying, conning and cheating just to get my urges satisfied. I am ready to give up. I have reached bottom. I admit I am powerless over this addiction and I am ready to surrender my life, turn it over to Dog... er... uh....oops....ahem... pardon the dyslexic flip....God as I understand him.

Yes, I am finally ready to admit it now... I need help and I am asking you to help me and support me as I work to give up this dependency. Since there is no program for people like me, I have decided to develop my own. Here goes....

My name is Barbara and I am powerless over dogs. I am ready to admit that sometimes I need a doggy fix. I am trying hard to give up those eyes that get you, or the floppy ears, the furry feel of their hair or the antics when they play with you. That puppy paw in your face and puppy muzzle in your neck feeling when you pick them up. And especially their ooooh... puppy breath.... ecstacy in a lick! I am wondering if you could lend me your dog so that I can work on this problem?

Forever grateful for your assistance,

No comments:

A few Thoughts...

When I think about it, my own life is no less rich and the living no less inspiring than my pioneering ancestors and I come from a long line of Indians and outlaws so don't ever turn your back on me!

Life is, after all, a slice of human consciousness lived from its place in human evolution. "From here to eternity" as it were-- from earth to the stars, from personal space to cyberspace, from a small local footprint to the world reduced to the size of a notebook and sitting on your lap!

As a child I lived with the perpetual and immenent threat of annihilation. That's child abuse! It wasn't a kid-friendly world and I couldn't understand why the grown-ups who were in charge weren't doing something?

So at age seven with my face in the window eyes turned up into the night sky and staring at the stars I made a vow: "When I am a grown-up, I will do something."

My writing is that something and I write to "simply change the world." If that sounds like a lack of humility it isn't because I know that one person absolutely can change the world and I've met some who have.

Kay Kennedy put together an anthology that puts the reader in the midst of history to view it from the inside out.

When I was in high school and even college, history classes were stale and boring featuring memorization and regurgitation of dates that coincided with events that had no human face, certainly no magic, and no life!

Anthologies are great fun and stores are rich remembrances. History books chronicle; stories are little narrative slices of living. History comes alive through story. I often think of my grandmother and her story, her life-- the history she lived. In her lifetime she saw humankind evolve from horse and buggy to man on the moon.

I was a sixties kid and for the youth of the sixties, turmoil, disillusionment, and revolution were everyday 'business as usual'. Like a radio perpetually on low volume, fear and death dronned on in the background. The superpowers threatened to extinguish all life on the planet, the Vietnam War was escalating and peers were being escorted home under American Flag blankets. The civil rights and equal rights movements were testing human civility, and faster than one could recover from one shock another real life hero would fall to yet another assassin. Despair was commonplace. Contrast that with a man on the moon... we could conquer space travel but couldn't make nukes or war obsolete! It was a time when youth needed hope because hope was scarce. When it was finally resurrected, it came in the form of idealism and a philosophy of brotherly and universal love. Perfect principles; imperfect execution.

For others who contributed to "Looking Back," the history is different for each because the "times" were different as well as the perspective of the individuals. The stories of human societal evolution are enlightening, heartwarming, poignant and spellbinding. They put a human face on the past.

And there are people now who are putting a face on the future...